It doesn’t matter how much I smile or how well I’m doing, there will always be someone asking me whether I’m still taking medication. ‘Are you still on that stuff? I wish you weren’t.’ I stifle my desire to snarkily respond ‘Yes I am, and that’s not all’. Do I wish I weren’t? I don’t know? Maybe? But I’m very sure of the gratitude I have for the quality of life that medication provides me.
Mental Illness Can Blindside You
There is an enormous amount of pressure surrounding the decision to seek medication for mental health treatment. I felt it personally when I was suffering from severe postpartum depression for 11 months before I finally accessed pharmaceutical treatment. Before that, I used every tactic I could think of in terms of natural remedies including elimination diets, naturopathy, acupuncture and trying really, really hard which, as you can imagine, didn’t work. I had just had my first baby with no pain control and no complications and felt physically well aside from some bruising. So, it came as a shock when, three days after giving birth, I felt like I had completely lost my mind.
I didn’t want to put anything artificial or chemical into my body—doing so felt like weakness, and Mama ain’t raised no bitch, you know? I had always considered myself capable, strong-minded, and resourceful, and I believed that somehow I could figure this out. Except that after 11 months, I still hadn’t, and I was already being asked to go back to work. There was no way I could work in my condition.
Hitting the Wall
It had been a long year of significant struggle, but through all these months of haunting depression, there were still a few things to celebrate, and one of them was being blessed to meet another mother who was going through a similar nightmare. If it weren’t for her confiding in me that she had recently gotten help through medication, I’m not sure I would have ever seriously considered it. But here’s the thing: for the first time in a long time, she looked like herself again. Her eyes had light behind them, she smiled at her baby and she found it conceivable to get through the day. Imagine that, I thought. The change in her was so undeniable that I began to allow myself to consider more traditional ways of helping myself, too, even if meant weaning my child early.
Mental Health Treatment
Eventually, a psychiatrist put down his pen and told me, “I’m sure that we can help you.” Those words felt like an anchor in the storm. Someone was confident that I could feel better. That I deserved to feel better. It was a radical shift in my thinking, and I allowed myself, for the first time, to truly believe it was possible. That appointment would turn out to be life-changing for me.
Once I gave in and started medical mental health treatment, the effects were noticeable and profound. There were some side effects, but I wasn’t feeling great to begin with, so things like loss of libido weren’t exactly weighing into my decision to take them or not. Although some psychiatric medications carry much more significant side effects to consider, for me a little heartburn, and a little libido loss, was the price I paid to get my life back.
The most significant change was that I woke up in the morning without dread being my predominant emotion. Instead of dragging myself out of bed with an overwhelming sense of despair, I found myself looking forward to the day ahead. I was excited to see my baby in the morning, and just a few weeks after having a happier, chattier mama, my baby boy was blowing through milestones. I felt guilty that I had let depression deny us this joy for so long. It wasn’t just me who suffered—my child had been affected, too. That realization was difficult to process, but it also reinforced the necessity of my choice.
Only You Know the Price You’re Paying
There is a lot of pressure not to use medication in mental health treatment. Some people think that white-knuckling your way through life is admirable. Others believe depression is just a bad day that you should sleep off and hope things are better tomorrow. But they never are. The cycle repeats. The days blend together in a fog of exhaustion and hopelessness, and without intervention, it can consume the best years of your life. And only you truly know the price you’re paying for the way you feel.
The Victim Blame Game
Why is there so much judgment? Why is it considered a weakness to use the resources available to make life more manageable and filled with more positive experiences? And to those who claim it’s all about the food we eat, I say: yes, it could be playing a part. But I could spend $2,500 a month on organic, dairy-free, gluten-free, soy-free groceries, and it wouldn’t help my depression (I know this because I’ve tried) and the financial strain certainly wouldn’t help my nagging anxiety. Even if the right combination of natural products existed, I couldn’t justify another $75 bottle of “I hope this helps” when, with my average insurance coverage, I pay as little as $2 at the pharmacy.
The Pollyanna-style philosophizing we do about the benefits of exercise and healthy eating can feel patronizing to those suffering with mental illness. If getting up in the morning, jogging, and eating well is enough to get you to a functional life, all the power to you! But I’ll hazard a guess that you probably aren’t experiencing that debilitating, face-on-the-floor depression. The kind where your legs feel weak, where walking feels like trudging through molasses. The kind where your biggest goal of the day is to brush your teeth by mid-afternoon. When you’re in that space, a green smoothie and a morning run aren’t going to cut it. Medication is not about taking the easy way out—it’s about getting to a place where those other self-care measures are even possible.
Mental Health Treatment and Your Baby
And what about the argument that it’s worse for babies if their mothers take SSRIs or other medications during gestation? If a doctor has approved it, isn’t their development better served by the reduction of stress hormones like cortisol coursing through your veins? I believe this to my core because I had two babies—one where I was anxious and stressed for nine months, and another where I opted to stay on a maintenance dose of an SSRI throughout the pregnancy. The difference in their nervous systems is undeniable, and I believe my mental state played a part in that. My first child developed in an environment filled with tension, exhaustion, and despair. My second was born to a mother who could smile, engage, and play with him without feeling like she was going to break.
“…depressed mood during pregnancy turned out to be, by far, the strongest predictor of behaviour across childhood”.
Dr. Oberlander, bcchr.ca
I remember my second child’s early days more clearly because I was mentally well and had the capacity to be present. I remember the softness of his breath, the tiny weight of him against my chest, the quiet, beautiful moments that I had missed the first time around because I was drowning in darkness. That is the difference medication made for me. That is why I believe, wholeheartedly, that people should not be shamed for seeking help.
Make the Decision Yours Alone
Years later, I continue to struggle with mental health, but I owe all my great days (and most of them now are) to an expertly prescribed set of medications that help me engage with the world like less of a terrified puppy. You don’t have to stay on these medications forever if you decide to take them. And if they don’t work for you, you’re no worse off than before. But I wish we were more supportive of people getting help for their mental illness instead of glorifying this white-knuckle survival mentality. That attitude reeks of “If I can’t be happy, nobody can.”
And it should be mentioned that some mental illness is progressive and leads to brain changes in the absence of medication.
“Manic episodes have been related to accelerated cortical volume and thickness decreases with most consistent findings occurring in prefrontal brain areas… The findings stress the importance of preventing manic episodes.”
pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10615759
If you have hereditary conditions, no amount of organic butternut squash is going to take that away—though it might benefit you in other ways. And at the end of the day, that’s really the crux of it: why can’t we just do both? Why can’t we acknowledge that mental health is complex and that there is no one-size-fits-all solution? Why can’t we offer support instead of judgment?
No one should have to suffer unnecessarily when help is available. Whether it’s therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination of all three, people deserve the chance to feel better. They deserve to wake up without dreading the day ahead. And their kids deserve to experience the very best of them.
